I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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