So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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