Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
