It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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