my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
