I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
