she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
