If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
