I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
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