Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
