Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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