when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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