i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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