Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
