Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
