how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
