First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He shit in the fireplace
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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