He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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