So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
