i think my tv is drunk
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Please don't give away my fajitas
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
