We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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