i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
