saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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