Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
BRING THE BAGELS
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
FUCK WHALES
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
