i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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