you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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