i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
