Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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