A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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