Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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