ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
