Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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