you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
