Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
