I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
