what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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