Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
