I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
