dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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