Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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