You can't motorboat a personality
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
