I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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