And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
