apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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