I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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