Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
