i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When are your genitals available?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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