she was so not down for the gang bang
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need water and some morals
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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