he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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