Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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