There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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