I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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